ruinous

I have moved to http://iamruinous.com.  Sorry Vox!  No hard feelings, OK?

So I've decided today is the day...  I'm going into rehab.  No it's not what you think, it's not drugs, booze, women, money, <insert favorite vice here>, or any of that stuff.  It's life, I'm going into life rehab.  Over the last year my life has spiraled out of control.  I've become overweight, overtired, overstimulated, and generally overwhelmed.  I've started a new business, continued to help a new church grow to many hundreds of people, added a new baby boy to the family, reevaluated and rediscovered my faith, helped the company I spun my company off from continue it's insane growth rate that we've maintained for 7 years straight... add in sleeping (not enough), eating (too much!), and reading (wish I had done more), and that leaves very little room for maintaining one's sanity, let alone one's marriage.

So I have decided to begin the process of pruning and/or purging certain things in my crazy life so that I can recenter and refocus myself.  Life is too short to run myself into the ground at 28.  I want to be around to experience all the great moments with my family; this year they have just passed me by and I can never get them back.  Also, while I am by no means a perfectionist, I do enjoy doing things well, and lately I'm just lucky to get something done in some way, shape, or form, usually not to the best of my ability.  That is not a recipe for success or happiness for anyone involved.  I have let a lot of people down over the last year, most of all my family, and for me that is just unacceptable.

So what stays and what goes?  That is TBD.  This will not be an easy process for myself or the people involved in certain areas of my life.  I know a lot of people count on me for a lot of things and I don't want to let people down or piss them off, but I have to make this decision, my health, my family, and my mental stability are all at risk!

So there you have it... this is my goal for 2007.  Stay tuned!

Man, yesterday I felt like crap.  I mean it, like a dried up turd left out in some abandoned field.  I don't think I have felt that sick in years, and of course I had places to go and people to see, so I struggled through the day just waiting to get home and crawl into bed and die.  I slept a good bit last night, the baby woke up a few times, but man I feel 100% today. 

Today is the 13th anniversary of the first date with my wife.  It's hard to believe that the girl I met when I was 15 years old has managed to put up with me for 13 whole years.  Life has taken us down some challenging paths over those years, but we have made it through, maybe a little battle scarred, but we made it through just the same.

I have been thinking about Love a lot over the past few weeks.  I see people all around me who are "in" love, you know that feeling of excitement mixed with hope mixed with a little bit of lust...  (if you've been there you know what I'm talking about) After you are in a relationship for awhile, that feeling goes away for the most part, you get that little twinge in your heart every now and then, but for the most part it's just not the same.  We humans are pretty good at taking special and exciting things and acclimating them to where they become mundane and everyday.  In my mind this is the true test of "Love."  Once the ooey-gooey feelings are gone, and your emotions and nerves are stripped bare, would you still stand up for that one that you love?  Would you give up whatever it takes (even if you have to give up the one you love) to see them live a happy and fulfilling life?  Would you die for them? 

Most people give up when the "feeling" is gone.  We think that is Love.  Love is making it through every day, side by side, working things out, compromising when necessary, dealing with the ups and downs, and still be willing to take a bullet for that person (instead of wanting to put one in them) when the day is through. 

I can be brutally honest here and say that I suck at showing affection, buying gifts, or doing all of those "mushy" things that girls really like.  I work too much, I live in my own head too much, I do too much.  But I can also say that after 13 years of being together I love my wife more deeply, more profoundly than I ever thought possible.  We have had a incredibly difficult year, I have been working far more than what is healthy, especially when you factor in we have a 3 year old and a new baby.  We have fought, we have screamed, we have cried, but through it all we have loved.  (We have also laughed about the screaming and crying after it's all through)

A very wise man once said "All you need is love... love is all you need."  He couldn't be more right.

Just finished reading Josh Knowles blog, a good friend and teammate, and was doing a little reflecting on my own life.  I find myself in a strange connundrum where I feel like I've accomplished a lot in my 28 years but that I've not accomplished as much as I would like.  Things are moving fast at Integrum which is really good news, running and leading a team of incredibly smart people is quite challenging.  I really like to be pushed to my limits and forced to stretch and grow, so even while things can get stressful, I love every minute of it and can't see myself doing anything else.  I hope to be able to look back at 30 (it's coming fast!!) and be very pleased with things.  Things have changed quite a bit over the last year, and next year looks to be even more exciting!  

It is always nice to have good friends.  I had two separate instances today of some really great friends stepping in and working with me to get a handle on my currently challenging life.  I am facing some formidable decisions and/or life changes that are quickly coming to a head. 

On one hand, as of about 30 minutes ago my company is the real deal.  Dealing with payroll, taxes, expenses, all the goodies that go along with a new and quickly growing company are all mine to deal with.  I have some great friends that make up the management of said company and a great mentor to help me make the right decisions.  My friends and I got together tonight and nailed down what it actually takes to make us successful.  The great news, it's not very far off.  The bad news, there is still a lot of hard work to be done, maybe not such bad news after all...

On the other hand, I've had some very challenging times in my personal life.  I'm not sure how much to blog here because of who I know is reading...  For everyone's sake I'll just say I've never been more sure about the things I believe in life, but never less sure how to talk to certain people about it, ambiguous I know...  I have a confidant, someone who is walking a similar path, and we strive to keep eachother moving in a positive direction and not get hung up on some negative things we see and experience around us.  I'm not going to go into much more detail at this moment because there are a lot of things that I haven't gotten straight in my head just yet.  I've had a major shift in my mindset and worldview over the last 9 months or so, and I can say nothing has been more liberating or frightening.  To question one's own thinking and to take a hard look and re-evaluate everything you believe is fraught with peril, but it is a journey that I willingly and consciously chose to embark upon, and one that I will continue to travel the rest of my days.  I have never been happier and more at peace with myself in that regard.  The cause for concern arises in the changes (if any?) that could result. 

I'm sure the ambiguity is annoying but I'm not ready to come completely clean.  More details will trickle out over the next few months as I am able to process everything in my chaotic brain.

Lastly, in my last post I told a terrible, terrible lie...  I said I would blog every day, I knew when I said it that it was a lie, but still posted it anyways.  I want to take this opportunity to repudiate that statement and say that I will be practical about the blogging thing.  I'll blog when I feel strongly enough to do so.

See you next time...

The last few months have been absolutly the most difficult of my entire life.  I have had to make some incredibly tough and painful decisions, still the right decisions I feel, but painful nonetheless.  I find myself in a very precarious situation in my personal and business life; I am in the middle of starting new ventures in both areas, while also carrying the burden of maintaining the status quo.  

I had a great conversation with a friend today.  It was the first deep conversation I have had in quite some time.  It still amazes me to this day how a deep, honest conversation with a trusted friend can put life in perspective, release some tension, and make one feel so much better about oneself.

So as I was sitting down eating dinner tonight, I happened to flip on the news to see what is happening in the great big world outside.  I was pretty depressed by what I heard.

America is a land divided.  Everything in our worldview is US vs THEM, education, nationality, politics, religion, even soda.  The political ads were disgusting this year, just hate and blame.  The news is making such a big deal over the Democrats DESTROYING the Republicans, like a smackdown in a WWE match.  Nevermind the fact that this is how our government was supposed to work, no one party with majority control; checks, balances and such. 

Somewhere along the way we have forgotten that we are all Americans, that we all share and live in this country together.  Something about "United We Stand..."  Somehow we forgot that we can disagree and still be friends.  My friends don't believe the same exact things that I do; I can't imagine how boring life would be if that were the case.

Maybe I am naive, but why can't we agree to disagree sometimes, instead of speak with vitriol to people with opposing views.  In the infamous words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?"

More on this topic later...

So... long time no blog.  I've gone the lazy route and am trying out this vox thing.  I just don't have time to worry about setting up and maintaining the newest, shiniest blogging tool.  I've evaluated all of them at this point, and they all pretty much suck.  I was spending all my time playing with the tools and I'd rather focus my time on actual blogging.  I'm going to try to actually stay on top of it this time.  We'll see how it goes.